two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
