I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
