Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
