I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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