you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
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I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
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Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize