I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize