you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
