you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I need a beard to bite.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
