Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
