I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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