he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
