party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
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She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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