I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
