what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
