omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
