Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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