I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
