But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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