can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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