I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
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you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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