I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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