i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
