my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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