I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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