Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You pole danced in your parka.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
