He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
