I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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