So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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