My Higher Power is John Stamos
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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