vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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