that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
