come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
