She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
