Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
