before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
