Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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