I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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