that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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