you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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