Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
