My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
