My sheets look like a crime scene.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
