I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
