I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I need to stop coming to work sober
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
