You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
