pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
