Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
