did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
