is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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