It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
