she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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