I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
