summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize