Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize