already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
